The Quartering Jeremy Hambly's Pastor: We can't afford the communion wafers!
Hambly's pastor says his church is on the verge of financial collapse after trying to satisfy Hambly's hunger for communion wafers
Jeremy Dale Hambly of Wisconsin, known online for his failing media empire TheQuartering and failing coffee company Coffee Brand Coffee, has been talking about attending church and taking communion during recent livestreams.
After an investigation, lolcowsnews.com discovered Hambly’s home church is The Church of Right-Wing Grifters Pretending to Be Christians So They Can Fleece Their Retarded Conservative Viewers, a non-denominational church.
We spoke with Pastor Charlie McRetard, who said the church was doing well financially prior to Hambly’s regular attendance but is now struggling to keep the lights on.
“We used to kill it,” McRetard said. “We’d buy a box of 1,000 communion wafers for $50 every two weeks, and every week we’d make about $50,000 in the offering plate and online donations.”
However, things changed when Hambly, who exceeds the weight limit of residential weight scales, started attending.
“Now we have to have hundreds of boxes of communion wafers on hand just for Jeremy,” McRetard said. “If he doesn’t get at least one million wafers every Sunday, he throws a fit and starts screaming, ‘My faith is under attack!’”
McRetard also said Hambly insists the pastor personally administer each of the multiple millions of wafers every Sunday, placing them one by one on Hambly’s pig tongue.
“It’s distressing,” McRetard said. “He likes to maintain eye contact with me as he chews and swallows. It’s almost like a sexual act for him.”
Because of Hambly’s pig-like gluttony, McRetard said his church is on the verge of financial collapse, similar to TheQuartering and Coffee Brand Coffee.
“We can’t survive like this,” McRetard said. “I can’t survive like this.”
McRetard said he has nightmares every night in which he sees Hambly’s tongue as a giant monster with no eyes but with a huge, gaping maw filled with razor-sharp teeth.
“I’m seriously considering suicide,” said McRetard. “I can’t do it anymore.”
Hambly’s hunger for communion wafers shouldn’t come as a surprising development. Lolcownews.com and other news organizations, such as Kino Casino, have reported on Hambly’s unappeasable appetite for the pleasures of the flesh, such as Rolexes, cars, video game systems, and trading cards such as Pokémon and Magic: The Gathering.
News of Hambly’s greed has spread outside the walls of McRetard’s church and has reportedly caught the ear of the local Catholic diocese. Rumors are swirling that attendees of The Church of Right-Wing Grifters Pretending to Be Christians So They Can Fleece Their Retarded Conservative Viewers are imploring the Holy See to conduct an exorcism on Hambly in an attempt to extricate the lolcow demon they believe is inside of him.
This is a developing story and will be updated as we gather more information.